Procrastination or Recreation?

I am now troubled with the way things are going. I feel that the days are going very slow and honestly, I am not used to these kind of timeline. I see things not as productive as before or rather the ways on how to spend my days are in an unremarkable streaming. Whenever I anticipate this, I usually ready myself for things that would make the 24 hours be atleast as productive as writing. But now, even starting to think makes me tiring. What is this sign? How will I get out of this state?

My blogs are starting to be filed up with all my personal annotations in a day and as I reread them, it reflects only the same old things I am explicitly trying to show in the daily chores (or do I have a chore at all!). I wish something would come up aside from planning...I need action, physical action in particular.

My Now is a path-less travelled...

I would like to understand what the word "now" really means in its truest sense. I have to admit, I still have those feelings of getting rid of to something which is not really happening ever since, fearing getting lost when in fact from the beginning I understand every single detail and of course being caught up to a situation that would worsen what is not worst!--sigh*

I have to owe all of these to the latest occurrence of me still being that artist, struggling to be exact whose life gets fucked up whenever no activity of greater art is present. My life has never been simple nor usual but the fact of the streaming nodes of such an artist hood, breathing gets even tougher. I thought I could quit...I thought I could move on to a next level of yoga-like process in searching for that resting state. But what can I do? I still am that person who loves the adrenalin apex, the restless conceiving of truth and astounding particulars of the laws of aesthetics. This is my now, and I have to face it.

Even if I have to change my current pursuit, at the back of my mind I know the reality that I couldn't change what I am...either for the bad or for the worse. Maybe this is the role that I have to take part in the world. I am one of those few chosen to live up the path-less traveled route; be the head navigator or something.

That is the "now" I guess and living it up is what I have to understand. peace!

Surviving & Living

As I come in age, I tend to realize that in order for us to be human, we have to live. This thought caught me upon rendering most of my time thinking, resting, and breathing as ordinary people in the so-called world would taking the course of their daily, weekly, monthly and yearly accounts as creators and builders. That most of my first quarter undertakings in the world was purely for survival needs which obviously is currently in the doubting stage.

My shout for this present revolving: "I want to live not just survive..."

I really don't know the exact reason but maybe one reason is maturity, followed by responsibility (both imposed and gathered) and reality. Coming in this state was not easy. This was very crucial for me and would remarkably anticipate all of the after-effects that comes along with this decision. But if I don't do it now, when will the right time be? I passed by lulah's grave and dearly asked for guidance which I know she would do and already doing. A clearer vision and a better set of all of what is going on would be the final reason maybe.

Couldn't write more because right at this very moment, thinking is most needed...

dahil ala na si lulah...

Hanggang ngayon we are still all adjusting to the fact na nasa heaven na si lulah bay. But to this day, I have realized how we have lost such the head of the family who would always see things in a different perspective, would find answers and immediate solutions to problems and most specially who would just be there and see us in a better state...mahirap ngunit kailangan.

I am now challenged with life but slowly is managing to see its realities of how and why it is such. Hindi kagaya noong una na kahit anong gawin ko o pagdesisyunan ay naririyan si luah para gumabay at sumuporta sa kahit na anong paraan. Honestly, noon ay hindi mahirap ang lahat para sa akin. I have run through the whole 25 years of my "very dramatic" life na hindi ganoon karumaldumal dahil na nga sa kanya. And now, my major issue is no only just starting alone with my own feet but continuing life as it is. Para bang lahat ng gagawin ko ngayon pag-iisipan na ng maigi, wala ng hesitations at mga buts...dapat sure na palagian. Para tuloy ako ngayong isang teenager na wala pang kamuwang-muwang. Iyon ang pakiramdam. I thought I was human before but surprisingly, I am still in the process to become one. Pero kaya yan, I have the "little miss sunshine" with me now. Hindi na ako "surreal-surrealan (emo sa mga kabataan ngayon)" gaya ng dati. I would have to say, I am happy and surviving.

Then here is my Tita. Talagang bunso eh. Ala na akong magagawa roon. Hindi lang siya talaga ang tipo ng tao na katulad ko o namin sa pamilya. Siya talaga ang flower among the thorns ika nga. Kaya ganoon na lang noon ang pangangaral ni lulah sa kanya noong buhay pa ito eh. Halos araw-araw iyon ang maririnig mo patungkol kay tita. Actually, ngayon ko na nakikita na TAMA lahat ng sinasabi ni lulah. Kasi noon, medyo naawa na ako 'tas sinasabi ko na kay lulah na 'wag naman masyadong kagalitan but--mother knows best! At walang mali sa mga sinabi niya. Tita is a very good follower. Kaya nga kami nag-aaway niyan dati kasi I had been a good leader to the family. hihihi But going back to the issue, may mga kinakaharap din siya na malaki ang epekto sa buhay niya (at sa amin na rin, bilang magkakapamilya) dahil wala na rin si lulah. She really couldn't make decisions, she takes everything too easy and thinks still like a person 10 years younger than her current age! Natanggap ko na ang katotohanang ako na ang susunod na maglilitanya for her but still its hard. She really has to learn it the hard way. Halos lahat rin ng mga bagay na sa buhay niya hindi pa naayos ni lulah eh 'ala siyang choice kundi siya mismo ang mag-ayos...hard but unavoidable for her.

I know naman na in the end, everything will AGAIN be in their proper places. We have to face the new tomorrow by adjusting to what is in the present. That is how our life is now. Isa lang naman ang dapat na tandaan sa mga pangyayaring ito...we have to live up with the legacy of what has lulah left for us, for the rest of our clan, for the whole of Marikina and of the world we know.

"Taping Blues"

I am keeping myself awake. It's been 12 hours of a long taping day. I have 15 sequences in total, all compressed in a 2 day-shoot! I have come to realize then that I am back to a world which once I left behind and concentrated on the other field (advertising & theater). Now that I am back, I saw everything again in a full circle: the people, the surroundings and all that completes the so-called world of show business. Recurring emotions of fun, excitement, irritation, exhaustion are again present and set for the day which seem a lifetime! :-)

I have also come to realize that this is not a job but merely one of my moonlight activities as an artist who wants to grow and try various endeavors to grow. Thank God, I did it again to understand better.

Today... First day of "the New"

At the start of the previously new chapter of life, I came to understand the meaning of being "blessed for more." Yes, it started with new commitments that is on the verge of being positive in effect and later more opportunities which lingers to success and triumph as I embrace my life now. Taking them one day at a time becomes the main rule and again...its worth it to live with this single ruling. I have no regrets whatsoever, always on the mood for good vibes and objectives that are not too far-fetched. As in simpler words...sakto lang!

Ang "sakto lang" means not too much in a hurry, not time cramming and not physical exhaustion. Though still not being complacent. i am still me. The very keen and meticulous me. Ever logical in everything I do but this time, a person who breaths and takes things surely. One negative instance, shrug it off and then concentrate to the next. Keeping the wrong or mistakes at your back but never looking back. Besides, what can you do? It's been done already. I am now much more sure of what I say and do.

I am simply happy now. Lab lab to all!

What a new chapter brings...

Since my Lola's death, I have never observed a really quite and personal mourn for her. I think this is what is lacking for the past days as I undergo a major change in my life now. The depression keeps on coming back as I linger with every challenges that a day brings. It is a new chapter, i know. Though acceptance seems so hard to understand. Every minute I look at her pictures in our self-made alter specially dedicated to her, it just makes me realize I am now old and independent. Alone yet still locked with bigger responsibility for my family. I have my aunt who's now 100% depending on me, my mother who embarks in my life more closely than ever, my father who is insistent in reminding me every task which I have to do (this include a theoretical family of my own, of course) and the whole idea that what ever Lola left is now in my hands. I now pity Prince Charles when the Queen Mother dies too.

But that is my life now, I guess. Taking things one day at a time. Maybe instead of looking at time as an evil antagonist who paves my way in success, I will see him as a companion who just weighs my actions all in the right path at the right moment. If I don't do this...I will end up being a mess and seeing my self a helpless being incapable of happiness. For along time now, happiness for me looks as if intangible. But who says you can't reach it? Years may have passed by for this process of reaching but it's never too late, I hope.

Love is reachable. Yes, my almost successful love story with cam is now in those previous chapters then again, knowing I still have that little pumping heart in me reminds me that I can still give love and be loved. Been screwed up with different men as of the moment out my being hopeless romantic. And at the end of the day, I just still crawl in bed feeling the coldness of being alone. Not any of them really gave what love could give and say what love could feel. Even with the man whom I thought is almost perfect for the position (but just a trivia, he isn't because of the complicated family thing!) Not only do I feel I'm a broker but also a crasher...then I told myself, where is that sweet Paul who just turned every man's interest just by being you?

Being an Artist is reachable. I still believe that I am one. But because of almost not resting and giving myself a break and doing artistic endeavors, I saw myself preposterous and ignorant at this. Whew! a state which I did not foresee while doing too much of corporate gigs and advertising ventures. Many would say I did not came this way but I feel it. The devotion and passion is there then again, I am torn between earning and doing what I love to do...may be all struggling artists have this feeling too. I am not alone! I told then myself, where is that director and actor who would do everything just to do a sensible performance on stage?

A career is reachable. I may be down right now because of recent outcomes from work and keeps on reflecting why everyone still thinks I am still a newbie in the field, but proving I guess is still the best action for this. No matter how tiring it could get. Besides, tiring for me is like a text away from ordering a hot cup of mocha from my fave coffee shops in the metro. The joke maybe when I reach 40, everybody would take me seriously is now an objective not a half-meant. So what to ask in this portion is where is the Paul who takes every work as his most momentous course in life as a professional?

A good life is reachable. Now this part is the hardest. It entails many factors like lifestyle, decisions, conscientiousness and every thing else that could affect this reaching point. If I don't start now, when will I, right? This life that I am aiming ladies and gentlemen is not a of the homonym of reach but instead a more applicable one suited for a bachelor like me. Just what I said, taking things one day at a time is never harmful.

I'll begin with my room and its interiors and the rest will follow. harhar! ;-)