Getting in the Reality

After a very all of what is there to do and achieve for the options that came for the past months in my life, I have successfully chosen what could be the best...and that is to stay here in manila and fulfill what I have always wanted. The other option would have been great if not for a lifetime adjustment that I have to be in. I am not ready for that. my life is just starting to fulfill a goal which I have pictured since I was young in the field I am into. Though the latter promises a greater feeling of nobility as a person which I always wanted to be but then again, life is never the same as before and getting to walk alone in this never ending "path-less travelled" route showed me a unique horizon that only a few (including me) has seen.

I am not sacrificing my passion but rather better fulfilling it in a more practical and suitable manner. This, my friend i s an act of maturity in a reality that life has offered me.

Living Alone with someone who should be "charmed"

Adjusting over the loss of someone has never been easy. Just like what the character Piper feels in the first few episodes of Charmed's 4th season which happens to be the series that I have been reviewing lately for the sake of that "teeny" feeling that I want to revive. We are the same in pushing to continue life even if its the hardest part in this current event of our lives. She , losing Prue (her elder sister) and me, of course losing my beloved lolah. So much for everyday of thinking how and why things should go that way and when would this hurt stop. Not to mention turning a 360 degree-change of acknowledging the fact that you must put both your feet at their best all the time. But now the question here is on how you would live with the rest of the people you have, right?

We are like the power of three--me, my lolah and my aunt. And now that the charmed peeps living in the manor seemed already uncharmed with all the changes that had happened, I am bothered. I was really seeing myself in that episode were Hollie Marie said " Prue was always the head and she would know what to do..." and I could have said the same thing after a few days of lolah's burial if I have had the urge to see the series. But this is not the main point in this episode of my life but the thought of me living with the remaining charmed relative...Yes, I have assumed being the eldest now and does all the messy parts including decisions on how to fight the daily courses of life. But what I don't understand is how she suddenly takes all things for granted! Including her ultimately just and easy position as my aunt or better termed as --'guardian'?! I never asked her to be my mom or something, but just a family which I only have since lolah's gone. That is what I don't get with her! In just as simple as cleaning the manor that we have or cooking atleast a meal in a day, I mean is that too much to ask? And for crying out loud, she is 44 years old! And me...well, just only half her age sir/madamme?! Oh...this set up is really like an abstract painting to me!!!

Her decisions are bad, her actions should still be tested twice, et al. Sometimes, I like to ask who is in her 40s and who's in his mid 20s? Get the jist? I am not overacting this , but this is how I get her idea of living. God! Now I am not surprised why her life was a mess. And I am sorry, because I have just saw that angel-postman sent a letter from God which reminded me that my life is great and I want to embrace it. I am afraid of so many bad and unfortunate things to happen in my life . But you know what, I once saw a prosperous and good life with her in it (or at least she being there plainly). But now, I am thinking twice...though one thing is clear and that is she is a family, a co-charmed and a person who still lives in this manor, even if not everyday. I just hope she would clear things up or change for the better before I get piss again or even worse...

Revived.

At last, I was breathing again. After a long period of endless nights of being depressed, I have gained the light from within. It was art all along which would take me out of that horrible longingness for nothing, sightless visions of darkness and being kidnapped by rounded aches by the unjustful debris of the cruel life...I have seen myself again in that mirror and this time, a more thinking person and happier.

Going back to writing and opening up to artistic endeavors helped me a lot to become a person that I was. A realization which haunted me during the days of regretting the life that I chose but then again, it was the same life where I am happy. And choosing it again, made me happier; turning all my senses on and not to mention my productive mind which is the most powerful part of this tired body then. I have to restart--this is the mode. So I did it.

Now, I see the day somewhat hopeful for something to look forward to. Avoiding the state of being just a lazy couch potato but instead successfully exercising my expertise and go beyond what I can do. In an insider joke from college "para akong nag DUP uli." But this time, its just me and myself on the ground, living in this unpredicatble world.

I look forward...I do what must be done...I am Paul and I am back...

Procrastination or Recreation?

I am now troubled with the way things are going. I feel that the days are going very slow and honestly, I am not used to these kind of timeline. I see things not as productive as before or rather the ways on how to spend my days are in an unremarkable streaming. Whenever I anticipate this, I usually ready myself for things that would make the 24 hours be atleast as productive as writing. But now, even starting to think makes me tiring. What is this sign? How will I get out of this state?

My blogs are starting to be filed up with all my personal annotations in a day and as I reread them, it reflects only the same old things I am explicitly trying to show in the daily chores (or do I have a chore at all!). I wish something would come up aside from planning...I need action, physical action in particular.

My Now is a path-less travelled...

I would like to understand what the word "now" really means in its truest sense. I have to admit, I still have those feelings of getting rid of to something which is not really happening ever since, fearing getting lost when in fact from the beginning I understand every single detail and of course being caught up to a situation that would worsen what is not worst!--sigh*

I have to owe all of these to the latest occurrence of me still being that artist, struggling to be exact whose life gets fucked up whenever no activity of greater art is present. My life has never been simple nor usual but the fact of the streaming nodes of such an artist hood, breathing gets even tougher. I thought I could quit...I thought I could move on to a next level of yoga-like process in searching for that resting state. But what can I do? I still am that person who loves the adrenalin apex, the restless conceiving of truth and astounding particulars of the laws of aesthetics. This is my now, and I have to face it.

Even if I have to change my current pursuit, at the back of my mind I know the reality that I couldn't change what I am...either for the bad or for the worse. Maybe this is the role that I have to take part in the world. I am one of those few chosen to live up the path-less traveled route; be the head navigator or something.

That is the "now" I guess and living it up is what I have to understand. peace!

Surviving & Living

As I come in age, I tend to realize that in order for us to be human, we have to live. This thought caught me upon rendering most of my time thinking, resting, and breathing as ordinary people in the so-called world would taking the course of their daily, weekly, monthly and yearly accounts as creators and builders. That most of my first quarter undertakings in the world was purely for survival needs which obviously is currently in the doubting stage.

My shout for this present revolving: "I want to live not just survive..."

I really don't know the exact reason but maybe one reason is maturity, followed by responsibility (both imposed and gathered) and reality. Coming in this state was not easy. This was very crucial for me and would remarkably anticipate all of the after-effects that comes along with this decision. But if I don't do it now, when will the right time be? I passed by lulah's grave and dearly asked for guidance which I know she would do and already doing. A clearer vision and a better set of all of what is going on would be the final reason maybe.

Couldn't write more because right at this very moment, thinking is most needed...

dahil ala na si lulah...

Hanggang ngayon we are still all adjusting to the fact na nasa heaven na si lulah bay. But to this day, I have realized how we have lost such the head of the family who would always see things in a different perspective, would find answers and immediate solutions to problems and most specially who would just be there and see us in a better state...mahirap ngunit kailangan.

I am now challenged with life but slowly is managing to see its realities of how and why it is such. Hindi kagaya noong una na kahit anong gawin ko o pagdesisyunan ay naririyan si luah para gumabay at sumuporta sa kahit na anong paraan. Honestly, noon ay hindi mahirap ang lahat para sa akin. I have run through the whole 25 years of my "very dramatic" life na hindi ganoon karumaldumal dahil na nga sa kanya. And now, my major issue is no only just starting alone with my own feet but continuing life as it is. Para bang lahat ng gagawin ko ngayon pag-iisipan na ng maigi, wala ng hesitations at mga buts...dapat sure na palagian. Para tuloy ako ngayong isang teenager na wala pang kamuwang-muwang. Iyon ang pakiramdam. I thought I was human before but surprisingly, I am still in the process to become one. Pero kaya yan, I have the "little miss sunshine" with me now. Hindi na ako "surreal-surrealan (emo sa mga kabataan ngayon)" gaya ng dati. I would have to say, I am happy and surviving.

Then here is my Tita. Talagang bunso eh. Ala na akong magagawa roon. Hindi lang siya talaga ang tipo ng tao na katulad ko o namin sa pamilya. Siya talaga ang flower among the thorns ika nga. Kaya ganoon na lang noon ang pangangaral ni lulah sa kanya noong buhay pa ito eh. Halos araw-araw iyon ang maririnig mo patungkol kay tita. Actually, ngayon ko na nakikita na TAMA lahat ng sinasabi ni lulah. Kasi noon, medyo naawa na ako 'tas sinasabi ko na kay lulah na 'wag naman masyadong kagalitan but--mother knows best! At walang mali sa mga sinabi niya. Tita is a very good follower. Kaya nga kami nag-aaway niyan dati kasi I had been a good leader to the family. hihihi But going back to the issue, may mga kinakaharap din siya na malaki ang epekto sa buhay niya (at sa amin na rin, bilang magkakapamilya) dahil wala na rin si lulah. She really couldn't make decisions, she takes everything too easy and thinks still like a person 10 years younger than her current age! Natanggap ko na ang katotohanang ako na ang susunod na maglilitanya for her but still its hard. She really has to learn it the hard way. Halos lahat rin ng mga bagay na sa buhay niya hindi pa naayos ni lulah eh 'ala siyang choice kundi siya mismo ang mag-ayos...hard but unavoidable for her.

I know naman na in the end, everything will AGAIN be in their proper places. We have to face the new tomorrow by adjusting to what is in the present. That is how our life is now. Isa lang naman ang dapat na tandaan sa mga pangyayaring ito...we have to live up with the legacy of what has lulah left for us, for the rest of our clan, for the whole of Marikina and of the world we know.