Unang Yugto sa Kasiyahan

Siguro nga ay kailangan ko na itong harapin. Para sa ikakapanatag ng aking kalooban at isipan...para sa ikatatahimik at ikagagaan ng sarili ko at para makahanap ng kasagutan sa lahat ng aking hinuha.  sa loob ng napakaraming taon na pilit kong iwinawaglit at hindi pinagtutuunan nang pansin ang isyung ito ng buhay ko. Kailangan ito upang ako ay tuluyang mabuo.

Mula noong ako ay bata pa, hanggang sa namulat sa katotohanan ng buhay, hindi ako nagtanong o nag-usisa; bagkus ako ay nanatiling tahimik at sumunod lang sa agos--saan man ito patungo o kung anuman ang kahihinatnan.  Pero narito na ako ngayon at dama na ang pagiging handa...ngunit puno ng kaba sa kung ano ang bubuyangyang sa akin.

Nahihirapan akong isiping ang lahat ng kanyang sinasabi at ipinapadama sa akin ay katotohanan dahil sa ito ang hudtat na siya ay kailangan ng agarang tulong.  Pero ayoko naman ding ipanalanging hindi totoo dahil ako ay masasaktan--sa lahat ng kanyang pagsisinungaling at maliang pamumutawi ng mga kwentong gusto niyang paniwalaan ko...dito sa puntong ako kinakabahan. At natatakot.  Sa dami ng mga nailathala na ng isip ko mula noong ako ay bata pa, hanggang sa ngayong ako ay muling nagiging makata, ang mga tanong sa lahat ng kanyang ibinigay sa akin ay walang sagot. Ngayon na lamang na gusto na ng isip at puso ko ang katotohanan.  Marahil ay iniadya na rin ng pagkakataon na ito ay aking gawin nang sa gayon ay mabigyan ako ng kapanatagan at pilitin kong maging buong mulinang aking pagkatao...gaano man kasakit o kasaya ang magiging kahihinatnan.

Mahirap ang ganitong sitwasyon lalu na't nakakasalamuha ko ang mga taong kagaya rin naman namin ngunit sila ay kakaiba pa rin.  Kaiba sa akin sa kadahilanang sila ay hirap ngunit buo; nagaalitan ngunit magkasama.  Ako, ngayon pa lang...sana.

Hindi ko maiwasang maalala pa rin ang lulah..nang dahil sa kanya ay ako ay umabot sa pubtong ito kung saan ay kaya ko na ang harapin ang puntong ito ng buhay ko na ako ay matatag (o pilit na nagiging matatag). At alam ko ring gagabayan niya ako sa gagawin kong ito.  Naniniwala ako na itong paglalakbay na ito ang magbubukas ng daan sa akin para makita ang katahimikan, kasagutan at kapayapaan sa puso ko...para matutunan ko at tunay na maramdaman ang kasiyahan--ang kasiyahang may kapayapaan...

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REFILL

There it is. For years of nothing exploring and shouting out all of my mind-bugging creations inside my head, I was back to my uncontrollable outburst of emotions...particularly anger management! It has paved its way through a very simple, "you could have just let it pass" scenario...but I wasn't able to help the feeling and there, it bursted out. Poor guard (hays...) Right at this moment my heart is still pounding like crazy, as if I have hypertension (which I hope I don't have). Because of this, I reorganized myself and here I am, finding myself back into typing and just simply filling out this space box with thoughts wrapped with emotions from my inner most heart. Yeah, yeah, I get it... I have to write. I think twitter and Facebook didn't help me much just maybe because of the given fact that whatever you will say will be limited to like 140 characters per expression of what you truly feel. Unlike a note or a blog which you can speak your heart out as until you had enough. I think this will always be a part of me. To keep me sane; to keep me from the reality and to breathe close enough as normal humans do. I have to write. One good reason mainly is because I was part of the alliance to "transcendence artists" who creates out of his emotions first before thinking logically. We love this because of the unlimited output you can share with the world or even just to yourself. One may think that people like me are irrational but being as such molds the art in what we believe is creation. Without any precautions and fear. Our best friend is hope--that our creations will be tangible enough for us to clearly see it and judged ourselves if we have come across to at least it's nearest outcome. Being hard in one's self? I think that is beauty. Basing from my current stats now, I can say that the pumping of the ventricles in my heart is slowly going to normal. Same reason as I have stated earlier, because I chose to write (or better say I chose to write again). Not for anybody, not for any award-giving body but for myself and nothing else. As I yawn, that signals I can rest in a bit and look forward to upcoming space boxes that I have to fill in, no matter what item I put in it.

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VIRGIN LABFEST 7: FULL-LENGTH ENTRY

Just another typical night at the theater: the director’s mad, stage manager’s losing his wit, and the actors are, well, acting up—until one by one, they all start dying. Then the fun suddenly begins: who’s out to get a bunch of old and forgotten stars trying to get another break; why here and why now, why The Portrait; perhaps a prank,a pure coincidence; or has the past finally decided to play cat and mouse? It was a dark and stormy night, indeed, and everyone’s a suspect. Look sharp, find your light, and break a leg!
'A Crazy Play in 3 Acts'


Playwright CARLO PACOLOR GARCIA
Direction PAUL SANTIAGO

Cast MAILES KANAPI. RUSSELL LEGASPI.
ROEDER CAMANAG. CHROME COSIO.
CHE RAMOS. ACEY AGUILAR.
PAOLO RODRIGUEZ. YONG TAPANG.
JOEL SARACHO. IAN BAUTISTA.
ROLANDO INOCENCIO. KATHLYN CASTILLO.
IRENE DELARMENTE. SKYZX LABASTILLA.
OLIVE NIETO.

playdates: June 30, 2011 (3pm & 8pm) July 6, 2011 (3pm) July 8, 2011 (8pm)

Tanghalang Huseng Batute, CCP Complex, Pasay City.

Rephased...

After a series of agitation and depression that came to me,I slowly recovered from the phase. It seems that what happened was part of life's long journey for me. I never did imagined that I would come to a point where I would really feel that low and situated into an abyss and vastness which I couldn't figure out. Before, every time this state would trigger, I would either dwell into what it pours in me to feel and act or do the opposite and just completely ignore it. But this particular one is monstrous, which ate me up from almost two months of an unanswered truth and reason behind why I was coursing through this path...and now, I have realized why.

There was this feeling that all the days which I needed to rest were neglected because I felt that there was no need to do this. And so, maybe all those resting days converged to one great plan of putting me into their lair and making me feel what rest should be. So I'm talking about resting and all, but wasn't sure of how or what to do in the resting state--I became agitated. I became impatient; incapable to sit still and enjoy the air passing through me in the long hours of staring far way from nothingness...I never thought of it until I snapped out and realized I was too ignorant of being still. Thus, I missed the loud cracking sound of art in my life. Then I remembered, that 'hey, this one 's also a form of art?

Sitting still for hours, watching restless soaps and TV programs and oversleeping were the checklist to fill-out during the state. And lucky enough for me to have guessed that these were the very same things I tend not to do when rest was needed; when stopping and allowing the day finish by itself is the next thing to be done. I concluded that it was life I was defying. When I was a bit younger, time was the greatest enemy and now, it is the very reason of existence. So, I breathe as hard as I could and then let myself be drowned by the immense and rotting payback of the life I redefined in the last 20 years of my life. It made me think what I was missing, what I neglected and what I treasured.

After the period of nesting in the effects of what I have done, I started to hear music again, appreciate color once more and open myself to hurt and love...I became human again. A person who breathes in pressure and speaks out truth. This same process was one thing I lost while I was in the cocoon of my nostalgic-melancholia depression. But this time, as I breathe, I dream. This dream comes with hope and patience. I breathe out and the new saga continues for me--hopefully to a better me. A new person who sees life and dreams of wonderful music emanating from beautiful memoirs of colors which I will make in the future aspects of both life and love.