Since my Lola's death, I have never observed a really quite and personal mourn for her. I think this is what is lacking for the past days as I undergo a major change in my life now. The depression keeps on coming back as I linger with every challenges that a day brings. It is a new chapter, i know. Though acceptance seems so hard to understand. Every minute I look at her pictures in our self-made alter specially dedicated to her, it just makes me realize I am now old and independent. Alone yet still locked with bigger responsibility for my family. I have my aunt who's now 100% depending on me, my mother who embarks in my life more closely than ever, my father who is insistent in reminding me every task which I have to do (this include a theoretical family of my own, of course) and the whole idea that what ever Lola left is now in my hands. I now pity Prince Charles when the Queen Mother dies too.
But that is my life now, I guess. Taking things one day at a time. Maybe instead of looking at time as an evil antagonist who paves my way in success, I will see him as a companion who just weighs my actions all in the right path at the right moment. If I don't do this...I will end up being a mess and seeing my self a helpless being incapable of happiness. For along time now, happiness for me looks as if intangible. But who says you can't reach it? Years may have passed by for this process of reaching but it's never too late, I hope.
Love is reachable. Yes, my almost successful love story with cam is now in those previous chapters then again, knowing I still have that little pumping heart in me reminds me that I can still give love and be loved. Been screwed up with different men as of the moment out my being hopeless romantic. And at the end of the day, I just still crawl in bed feeling the coldness of being alone. Not any of them really gave what love could give and say what love could feel. Even with the man whom I thought is almost perfect for the position (but just a trivia, he isn't because of the complicated family thing!) Not only do I feel I'm a broker but also a crasher...then I told myself, where is that sweet Paul who just turned every man's interest just by being you?
Being an Artist is reachable. I still believe that I am one. But because of almost not resting and giving myself a break and doing artistic endeavors, I saw myself preposterous and ignorant at this. Whew! a state which I did not foresee while doing too much of corporate gigs and advertising ventures. Many would say I did not came this way but I feel it. The devotion and passion is there then again, I am torn between earning and doing what I love to do...may be all struggling artists have this feeling too. I am not alone! I told then myself, where is that director and actor who would do everything just to do a sensible performance on stage?
A career is reachable. I may be down right now because of recent outcomes from work and keeps on reflecting why everyone still thinks I am still a newbie in the field, but proving I guess is still the best action for this. No matter how tiring it could get. Besides, tiring for me is like a text away from ordering a hot cup of mocha from my fave coffee shops in the metro. The joke maybe when I reach 40, everybody would take me seriously is now an objective not a half-meant. So what to ask in this portion is where is the Paul who takes every work as his most momentous course in life as a professional?
A good life is reachable. Now this part is the hardest. It entails many factors like lifestyle, decisions, conscientiousness and every thing else that could affect this reaching point. If I don't start now, when will I, right? This life that I am aiming ladies and gentlemen is not a of the homonym of reach but instead a more applicable one suited for a bachelor like me. Just what I said, taking things one day at a time is never harmful.
I'll begin with my room and its interiors and the rest will follow. harhar! ;-)
