Thursday, October 1, 2009

Ondoy, Ondoy sa Balitaw (ang naganap sa San Roque)


Gabi ng Setyembre 25 sa taong kasaluykuyan, habang kami ng mga kasamahan ko mula sa trabaho ay kumakain dahilan sa gabi na natapos ang aming ganap, napansin ko ang matinding lakas ng ulan. Mula Fairview hanggang Timog sa Quezon City ay wala itong hudyat ng kapaguran. Mga bandang 4:00 ng madaling araw kami nagpasiyang magsi-uiwan. Pinagmamasadan ko pa rin ang mga mahahaba’t malalaking patak ng ulan mula sa taxing aking sinakyan. Hirap na hirap si manong na sumuong. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa ulan nga o siya’y inaantok na. Nang marating naming ang tulay sa bayan ng Marikina, hindi ko agad nabigyan ng direksyon ang drayber dahilan sa pagkakagulat sa umaapaw na noong ilog sa ilalim nito. Nang malapit na kami sa dulo ng tulay saka ko nabatid na bigyan siya ng direksyon na kumanan sa J.P. Rizal St. Nakauwi ako bandang mag aalasingko na ng umaga.

Pagmulat ko ng aking mata ay bandang mga 9:00 ng umaga. Sabi ko, “Shet, puyat nanaman! Ok lang wala naman akong ganap ngayon bilang Sabado.” Malakas ang ulan. Nag agahan ako at matapos ay nagsurf sa internet. Sa pagkakataong ito’y malakas na ang ulan na may kasama ng kidlat ngunit wala ang kulog. Sabi ng aking tiyahin ay bibili raw lamang siya ng itlog sa tindahan para sa aming pananghalian. Makalipas ang mga sampung minuto at siya narito na muli sa bahay. Napansin kong may mga butil ng luha sa gilid ng kanyang mga mata na hindi ko madalas mabanaag sa kanya dahil nga siya’y aking kabaligtaran...kung ano’ng ikinalempot ko, siya naming ikinabrusko niya pero hindi siya mahilig sa kapwa babae, mailinaw ko lang. Kung kaya medyo nangiti pa ako at naibulalas na “Tita, bakit para kang naiiyak?” Nagpasiya siyang maligo at tunguhin ang ang kanyang tindahan 5 bloke mula sa amin.

Habang naliligo siya, narinig ko ang ilang kapitbahay na mabilis na nag-uusap. Para bang piyesta na uli sa amin eh kakatapos lamang nito noong nakaraang buwan. May kakayahan kasi akong makarinig mula sa malayo ng malinaw (bionic ears) pati makaamoy ng mainam. Bumaba ako at laking gulat ko na baha na ang harapan ng bahay namin!

Abot hanggang tuhod ang baha. Sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon sa aming mga naninirahan dito sa San Roque ay ngayon lamang kami binaha. Dali-dali akong umakyat at sinabi ang nagisnan sa aking tiyahin. Nagulat siya at tila ba nagkaroon ng kasagutan ang tinanong ko rin sa kanya kanina. Kumuha siya ng payong at agarang bumaba. Sumunod ako dala ang isa pa ring paying at noong kami ay nasa pinakalabas na ng bahay, hindi na kami makapaniwalang baha na nga ang buong barangay namin...may ilang karag-karag ang kanilang mga anak at kasangkapan, may ilan namang pabalik-balik lamang. Hiyaw ng isang balisang kapitbahay, “ hanggang bewang na kina Marci!” Iyon ang bahay ng congressman ng Marikina na ilang bahay lamang ang layo mula sa kinatatayuan ko. Matapos noon ay dali-dali akong bumalik ng bahay at sa laki kong gulat hanggang bewang na rin ang baha sa amin. Tinawag ko ang aking tiyahin na noo’y kinakausap pa ang ilan naming kapitbahay. Umugong na ang kotse ko na nakaparada sa harap ng bahay. Ganyan kasi yan kapag nababasa na ang pinto, parang umuuhang bata. Sinubukan kong tingan si Mercu (ang pangalan ng aking kotse) at tawagin na rin ang aking tiya. Sa ilang minuto na iyon ay nasa tiyan na ang lalim ng baha. Nabanggit pa ng tiyahin ko na habang pabalik siya ng bahay ay may nakasabay pa itong pusa o aso, hindi na raw siya sigurado. Kinatok ko ang umuupa sa ibaba namin upang sila’y kamustahin. Pumasok na rin sa kanila ang tubig.

Napaupo ako sa hagdan at napagmamasdan ko si mercu na unti-unti nang lumulubog sa tubig-baha. Nabalik na lang ako sa ulirat nang daglian nang umaakyat sa amin ang mga batang anak ng umuupa sa amin. May kalong pang sanggol ang pinakapanganay sa kanila. Hanggang sa lahat kami ay unti-unti nang napaakyat sa hagdan ng paatras dahilan sa patuloy na pagtaas na tubig. Umabot ang tubig sa aming hagdanan. Mayroon kaming labintatlong palapag mula sa mismong pinto ng bahay at ang tanging kita sa mga sandaling yaon ay walo habang nakalutang ang mga di-naisalbang gamit ng mga nakatira sa amin. Hinanap namin ang kanilang ina. Ito raw ay nagpunta sa palengke kanina pang umaga. Napatingin ako sa aking tiya sabay upo na lamang sa sofa at pagbating ang cute ng sanggol nila. Sa mga oras na yon, mula sa aming bintana wala na akong matanaw na lupa...

Halos 6 hanggang 7 pulgada ang lalim ng baha. Hindi ko na nakikita si mercu at pati ang mga nakasabit na halaman sa likod-bahay namin. Ang nakikita ko na lamang ay ang tolda sumisilong sa mga ito. Ang lalaking kapitbahay naming ay palangoy nang naglilipat ng mga gamit sa katabi nilang bahay. Nasa isang compound kasi sila kagaya namin. Walang tigil ang ulan...buong barangay ay para nang lumulutang sa ilog-marikina. Nagtext ang ilang kaibigan at ibinalitang may special segment na raw ang Marikina sa mga news programs. Doon ko na nasabi sa sarili ko, kakaiba na nga ang bahang ito. Isa-isa kong binalikan ang heograpiya ng aming lugar. Isa kasi kami sa matataas na lugar dito sa aming bayan. Kung gayon paano na kaya ang mga bahay sa ilog na nakita ko kagabing umuuwi ako? May mga stranded na raw sa mga karatig bayan tulad ng pasig, taguig, rizal at iba pa. Mga bandang hapon, buong kamaynilaan ay nasa state of calamity na raw.

Humahanap ako noon ng dahilan kung bakit biglaang nangyari ang kalamidad na ito. Tuluyan na kayang nagalit ang mga mitong sirena sa ilog-marikina sa pambabastos na ginagawa ng mga tao rito? Kaya sila nagpasyang gumanti naman, kahit one time lang? Ito na rin kaya yung pinag-uusapan namin dati ng isang kaibigang naibahagi ang pananaliksik niya tungkol sa 2012 event na may mga aliens na darating, tapos may mga calamities na mangyayari at mga ilan pang mga bagay na hindi ko na inalala kasi nga nakakatakot. O wala lang...nangyari lang siya talaga? Para kasing hahanapan mo ng paliwanag ang matinding pag-ulan ng humigit-kumulang na anim na oras ay katumbas ang isang buwang pag-ulan! Paano nangyari yon? Bakit nangyari yon? At napakarami pang ‘yon’ na ikinapagod ko na. Tumingin na lamang ako sa langit saka ko ibinulong “Ondoy, tahan na...”

Sa aking panaginip, nakita ko si Ondoy. Alam kasi ata ng isip ko na lumilikha ako ng kanyang imahen. Nakita ko siya bilang isang batang nakasuot ng tila sa pamprinsipe. May kahabaan ang kanyang buhok, maputing kutis at napakaaliwalas na mukha. Iwinawasiwas niya ang kanyang kamay sa isang batis na may damong matayog at itim na buhangin. Malungkot siya o nababagot, hindi ko masyadong mawari. Hindi rin ako sigurado kung may hinihintay siya. Hanggang sa may isang kamay na tumapik sa kanyang balikat at may nagwikang, “Ondoy, halika na.” Ito na marahil yung tinatawag sa drama sa TV na si ‘Bro’ kasi ganoon ko rin siya nakita sa eksena. Nagising ako, humupa na ang baha.

Alas tres ng madaling araw, nakita ko nang kalung-kalong nang inang umuupa sa aming silong ang sanggol. Ngayon lamang daw siya nakauwi gawa nang humupa na nga ang baha. Dali-dali kong tiningnan ang mga baitang ng aming bahay at muli ko nang nasisilayan ang mga ito. Kumpleto na pero pulos putik na. “Mabuti na rin ito” batid ko. “Kaysa naman sa tao ang nakikita ko.” Mula sa mga oras na iyon, gising na ang lahat ng mga tao at kanya-kanya na ang paglilinis ng kani-kanilang mga bakuran. Hindi iniinda ang lamlam ng tanawin at masangsang na amoy ng kapaligiran.

Masuwerte pa rin ang San Roque dahil sa karumal-dumal na nangyari ay ligtas ang lahat at tanging mga gamit at bahagi ng kabahayan ang nasalanta. Walang humihingang bagay ang kinitil ang isang talampakang baha. Huwag na sanang muling malungkot ang iba pang mga bagyo at iwasiwas muli ang kanilang mga kamay sa batis...sana’y maramdaman na ng mga mitong sirena na naging patas na sila sa mapang-abusong mga tao sa kanila at sana, teorya na lang ang pananaliksik ng aking kaibigan tungkol sa 2012...gusto ko na uli makita ang pinakalmalinis na bayan sa lungsod ng maynila at hindi ang pinakamarumi at malungkot na siyudad ng bansa.

Bro...pakitapik naman na sila lahat ngayon pa lang.

Salamat.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

a "Little" Film


A sequel to the successful “Babae”. A story about masculinity, love, and family. A touching and humorous look at the maturation of a provincial boy and his blooming romance.

30 min
Short Film


Starring:

Paul Santiago as Jose/Little

Andro Morgan as Itok

Written and Directed By: Sigrid Andrea P. Bernardo



Director of Photography: Alma dela Peña

Producers: Alma dela Peña
Sigrid Andrea P. Bernardo
Lorna Paguirigan
Teresita dela Peña


Production Design Team: Lorna Sanchez
Ram Tolentino

Make-up: Ram Tolentino

Editors: Jom Tolentino
Tara Illenberger

Music: Paul Peña

Lyrics of “Ngayon ang Pinaunang Araw”: Vim Nadera

Assistant Director/ Prod Manager: Lorna Sanchez

English Translation: Krystal Banzon
Subtitles: Nayna Katigbak

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Living out of the Box


Since I chose Theatre as my course in college, I anticipated a life taht breaks in the circle of daily living. It has brought me to a world where passion and skills would squeezw you on both ends and ties you to everything that could make your being into a more humane state--feeling the hurt, happiness, love, success, failure and freedom. All of these packed in a single bag that I carry while taking my journey outside of the box which I once dreamt of getting in. I have been curious to what that box inside looks like...how it feels to be there. When I was younger, and thought the bag that I carry's getting empty, I fearlessly tried opening it. I hoped for a better atmosphere and better way of breathing. But I was surprised whan I finally saw its opening and touched its very sole. But I was disappointed. It was an empty; hallow space full of darkness and discord. there were no light of fulfillment, no songs of joy and absent of love to people who lives in it.


After what I saw, I thought, "Is this the life that people tend to choose after they had lived outside?" I feel I have to go out as soon as possible before I get drown and never see my own self again. Before I left, I checked my bag if tehre was something that was added but fortunately none from this sinking world was put in. The experience has given me more strength to continue the journey outside of the box; to endlessly fulfill a destiny of a broken but interceotive circle of my own daily pursuit--without doubt but full of courage, without numerous queations but full of experienced answers taht will help me to go on.


I have just been travelling on about a quarter side outside and not even getting to the top cover. I was just restless and needed rest to become better. And thank God, I did...

Now I'm fulfilled.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The "L" of my Misery


What happened this weekend just has to happen...it came crashing through all of what I was avoiding to be in my life for the past years that I am breathing. I became the not-so me when it happened. I let the situation take the command and before I knew it, I was in the deepest, catastrophical state which I can't get out! I swam in the mud sea, run away from the forest of evil and drank the pees of the fallen angels. I was trapped when I became human and died at the same time to be the best angel there was during the wee hours of the night.

The day after that, I felt I was a trash in the bed...stinking and has been forgotten to be laundered. Then I had to face my colleagues and seeing them in exuberant out of being all together, I decided to keep the dirt with myself. But If something is smelling bad, it will come out. The day finished with us doing our usual take-offs as mid-quarter individuals and foreseeing the following day in a brighter light. But it was different for me...I thought to myself, "why rejoice when you know you can never be clean again?" But one of those dearest co-existent in the restless life saw what I was going through. He didn't ask but I felt it was the right time for me to explode. Explode like a candle slowly dying, losing its power to light his own existence. I began talking to him.

It was just a short exchange of life-bugging realities. It was time to go to our lairs and reset what was done. When I was on my way home, I realized that whatever has happened it wan't because of me or those culprits of miseries but the life which I insistingly fighting for. It was becoming unappealing to my system, to others and to the whole living economy that I know of. I had to act fast before it was too late and die as a living idea of pure and excessive misery. I don't want that and I was never like that before what had happened.

Losing and finding myself is just like a monthly check-up of my sanity. And this life which slowly kills the whole system or idea of my breathing has to die! I don't have to die, but it has to...it must kill itself so misery is ended. Sanity is revived. Love to live.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Welcome Back...real world! Hell, where are you? come out, comeout wherever you are...


And so did I. After the success of my production, I'm back in the real world...

Facts. Trivias. Lies. Hopes.

All of them have grown so well since the last time I saw them.

Better get on my feet and start killing them.

I love blood...I hate love.

Cuddle.

Shot.

Death-------

is a very wonderful state while breathing.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

VIRGIN LABFEST 5

untried. untested. unproduced plays
Writer's Bloc & Tanghalang Pilipino

SET A: School of Life (Mga Dulang Walang Pinag-aralan)
June 23: 3pm, 8pm
July 4: 8pm
July 5: 3pm

MPC by Job Pagsibigan, to be mounted by the SipatLawin Ensemble

Ang Huling Lektyur ni Misis Reyes by Tim Dacanay
directed by Hazel Gutierrez

Isang Mukha ng Pandaraya by Oggie Arcenas
directed by Roli Inocencio


SET B: It's Complicated (The Buhul-Buhol Trilogy)
June 24: 3pm, 8pm
July 3: 8pm
July 4: 3pm

Salise by J. Dennis Teodosio
directed by Roobak Valle

Ang Mamanugangin ni Rez by Clarissa Estuar
directed by Paolo O'Hara

So Sangibo A Ranon Na Piyatay O Satiman A Tadman by Rogelio Braga
directed by Riki Benedicto


SET C: Blood Sports (Trilohiyang Dinuguan )
June 25: 3pm, 8pm
July 3: 3pm
July 5: 8pm

Kitchen Medea by Kiyokazu Yamamoto, directed by Yoshida Toshihisa

Doc Resurrecion: Gagamutin ang Bayan by Layeta Bucoy
directed by Tuxqs Rutaquio

Asawa/Kabit by George de Jesus III, directed by George de Jesus III


SET D: The Family That _______s Together (Tatlong Dulang Walang Diyos)
June 26: 3pm, 8pm
June 30: 3pm
July 2: 8pm

Boy-Girl ang Gelpren ni Mommy by Sheilfa Alojamiento
directed by Carlo Pacolor Garcia

Maliw by Reuel Molina Aguila
directed by Edna Vida

Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White by George Vail Kabristante
directed by Paul Santiago


SET E: Life is a Trap (Three Plays in Search of Escape)
June 27: 3pm, 8pm
June 30: 8pm
July 1: 3pm

Isang Araw sa Peryahan by Nicolas B. Pichay
directed by Chris Millado

Paigan by Liza Magtoto
directed by Sigrid Bernardo

Hate Restaurants by David Finnigan, directed by J. Victor Villareal


The Virgin Labfest 4 Revisited
June 28: 3pm, 8pm
July 1: 8pm
July 2: 3pm

Ang Kalungkutan ng mga Reyna, written and directed by Floy Quintos

Ang Bayot, Ang Meranao at ang Habal-Habal sa Isang Nakababagot na Paghihintay sa Kanto ng Lanao del Norte by Rogelio Braga
directed by Nick Olanka

Uuwi na ang Nanay kong si Darna, Job Pagsibingan’s adaptation of Uuwi na ang Nanay Kong si Darna by Edgar Samar, directed by Catherine Racsag



STAGED READINGS
Bulwagang Amado Hernandez (Conference room)

June 25, 6pm
Kataksilan, Tim Dacanay’s adaptation and direction of Harold Pinter's Betrayal

June 27, 6pm
Noong Minsan May Nanungkulan sa San Lazaro, Joshua Lim So’s adaptation of Alfred Jarry's Ubu Roi
directed by Dennis Marasigan

June 30, 6pm
Breakups and Breakdowns by Joel Trinidad, directed by himself

July 1, 6pm
SPIT improvisational session

July 3, 6pm
Creative Writing Workshop showcase (Facilitator: Glenn Sevilla Mas)

July 5, 6pm
American Huangup
directed by Chris Millado


BOOK LAUNCHING: VIRGIN LABFEST ANTHOLOGY
June 23, 6pm Little Theater

The anthology, which includes 15 plays from years 1-4 of the Virgin Labfest, will be launched on the opening day of the Virgin Labfest. The following plays are included:

Year 1
Rite of Passage by Glenn Sevilla Mas
Geegee at Waterina by J. Dennis Teodosio

Year 2
Ang Unang Aswang by Rody Vera
The Palanca In My Mind by Job Pagsibigan
Tres Ataques de Corazon (The Angina Monologues) by Nicolas Pichay
Hubad by Liza Magtoto and Rody Vera

Year 3
Mga Obra ni Maestra by Njel de Mesa
Three Sisters: Isang Noh by Yoji Sakate
Teroristang Labandera by Debbie Ann Tan
Ellas Inosentes by Layeta Bucoy

Year 4
Pamantasang Hirang by Tim Dacanay

Dong-Ao by F. Sionil Jose

Masaganang Ekonomiya by Allan Lopez

Ang Bayot, Ang Meranao at ang Habal-Habal sa Isang Nakababagot na Paghihintay sa Kanto ng Lanao del Norte by Rogelio Braga

Ang Kalungkutan ng mga Reyna by Floy Quintos


Tickets to the Virgin Labfest are at P200 for main exhibition sets, P100 for the symposium and "Pay what you can" for play readings. For more details, please contact Tanghalang Pilipino at 8323661, or the CCP Box Office at 8323704.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Getting in the Reality


After a very all of what is there to do and achieve for the options that came for the past months in my life, I have successfully chosen what could be the best...and that is to stay here in manila and fulfill what I have always wanted. The other option would have been great if not for a lifetime adjustment that I have to be in. I am not ready for that. my life is just starting to fulfill a goal which I have pictured since I was young in the field I am into. Though the latter promises a greater feeling of nobility as a person which I always wanted to be but then again, life is never the same as before and getting to walk alone in this never ending "path-less travelled" route showed me a unique horizon that only a few (including me) has seen.

I am not sacrificing my passion but rather better fulfilling it in a more practical and suitable manner. This, my friend i s an act of maturity in a reality that life has offered me.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Living Alone with someone who should be "charmed"


Adjusting over the loss of someone has never been easy. Just like what the character Piper feels in the first few episodes of Charmed's 4th season which happens to be the series that I have been reviewing lately for the sake of that "teeny" feeling that I want to revive. We are the same in pushing to continue life even if its the hardest part in this current event of our lives. She , losing Prue (her elder sister) and me, of course losing my beloved lolah. So much for everyday of thinking how and why things should go that way and when would this hurt stop. Not to mention turning a 360 degree-change of acknowledging the fact that you must put both your feet at their best all the time. But now the question here is on how you would live with the rest of the people you have, right?

We are like the power of three--me, my lolah and my aunt. And now that the charmed peeps living in the manor seemed already uncharmed with all the changes that had happened, I am bothered. I was really seeing myself in that episode were Hollie Marie said " Prue was always the head and she would know what to do..." and I could have said the same thing after a few days of lolah's burial if I have had the urge to see the series. But this is not the main point in this episode of my life but the thought of me living with the remaining charmed relative...Yes, I have assumed being the eldest now and does all the messy parts including decisions on how to fight the daily courses of life. But what I don't understand is how she suddenly takes all things for granted! Including her ultimately just and easy position as my aunt or better termed as --'guardian'?! I never asked her to be my mom or something, but just a family which I only have since lolah's gone. That is what I don't get with her! In just as simple as cleaning the manor that we have or cooking atleast a meal in a day, I mean is that too much to ask? And for crying out loud, she is 44 years old! And me...well, just only half her age sir/madamme?! Oh...this set up is really like an abstract painting to me!!!

Her decisions are bad, her actions should still be tested twice, et al. Sometimes, I like to ask who is in her 40s and who's in his mid 20s? Get the jist? I am not overacting this , but this is how I get her idea of living. God! Now I am not surprised why her life was a mess. And I am sorry, because I have just saw that angel-postman sent a letter from God which reminded me that my life is great and I want to embrace it. I am afraid of so many bad and unfortunate things to happen in my life . But you know what, I once saw a prosperous and good life with her in it (or at least she being there plainly). But now, I am thinking twice...though one thing is clear and that is she is a family, a co-charmed and a person who still lives in this manor, even if not everyday. I just hope she would clear things up or change for the better before I get piss again or even worse...

Monday, March 23, 2009

Revived.


At last, I was breathing again. After a long period of endless nights of being depressed, I have gained the light from within. It was art all along which would take me out of that horrible longingness for nothing, sightless visions of darkness and being kidnapped by rounded aches by the unjustful debris of the cruel life...I have seen myself again in that mirror and this time, a more thinking person and happier.

Going back to writing and opening up to artistic endeavors helped me a lot to become a person that I was. A realization which haunted me during the days of regretting the life that I chose but then again, it was the same life where I am happy. And choosing it again, made me happier; turning all my senses on and not to mention my productive mind which is the most powerful part of this tired body then. I have to restart--this is the mode. So I did it.

Now, I see the day somewhat hopeful for something to look forward to. Avoiding the state of being just a lazy couch potato but instead successfully exercising my expertise and go beyond what I can do. In an insider joke from college "para akong nag DUP uli." But this time, its just me and myself on the ground, living in this unpredicatble world.

I look forward...I do what must be done...I am Paul and I am back...

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Procrastination or Recreation?

I am now troubled with the way things are going. I feel that the days are going very slow and honestly, I am not used to these kind of timeline. I see things not as productive as before or rather the ways on how to spend my days are in an unremarkable streaming. Whenever I anticipate this, I usually ready myself for things that would make the 24 hours be atleast as productive as writing. But now, even starting to think makes me tiring. What is this sign? How will I get out of this state?

My blogs are starting to be filed up with all my personal annotations in a day and as I reread them, it reflects only the same old things I am explicitly trying to show in the daily chores (or do I have a chore at all!). I wish something would come up aside from planning...I need action, physical action in particular.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

My Now is a path-less travelled...


I would like to understand what the word "now" really means in its truest sense. I have to admit, I still have those feelings of getting rid of to something which is not really happening ever since, fearing getting lost when in fact from the beginning I understand every single detail and of course being caught up to a situation that would worsen what is not worst!--sigh*

I have to owe all of these to the latest occurrence of me still being that artist, struggling to be exact whose life gets fucked up whenever no activity of greater art is present. My life has never been simple nor usual but the fact of the streaming nodes of such an artist hood, breathing gets even tougher. I thought I could quit...I thought I could move on to a next level of yoga-like process in searching for that resting state. But what can I do? I still am that person who loves the adrenalin apex, the restless conceiving of truth and astounding particulars of the laws of aesthetics. This is my now, and I have to face it.

Even if I have to change my current pursuit, at the back of my mind I know the reality that I couldn't change what I am...either for the bad or for the worse. Maybe this is the role that I have to take part in the world. I am one of those few chosen to live up the path-less traveled route; be the head navigator or something.

That is the "now" I guess and living it up is what I have to understand. peace!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Surviving & Living


As I come in age, I tend to realize that in order for us to be human, we have to live. This thought caught me upon rendering most of my time thinking, resting, and breathing as ordinary people in the so-called world would taking the course of their daily, weekly, monthly and yearly accounts as creators and builders. That most of my first quarter undertakings in the world was purely for survival needs which obviously is currently in the doubting stage.

My shout for this present revolving: "I want to live not just survive..."

I really don't know the exact reason but maybe one reason is maturity, followed by responsibility (both imposed and gathered) and reality. Coming in this state was not easy. This was very crucial for me and would remarkably anticipate all of the after-effects that comes along with this decision. But if I don't do it now, when will the right time be? I passed by lulah's grave and dearly asked for guidance which I know she would do and already doing. A clearer vision and a better set of all of what is going on would be the final reason maybe.

Couldn't write more because right at this very moment, thinking is most needed...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

dahil ala na si lulah...


Hanggang ngayon we are still all adjusting to the fact na nasa heaven na si lulah bay. But to this day, I have realized how we have lost such the head of the family who would always see things in a different perspective, would find answers and immediate solutions to problems and most specially who would just be there and see us in a better state...mahirap ngunit kailangan.

I am now challenged with life but slowly is managing to see its realities of how and why it is such. Hindi kagaya noong una na kahit anong gawin ko o pagdesisyunan ay naririyan si luah para gumabay at sumuporta sa kahit na anong paraan. Honestly, noon ay hindi mahirap ang lahat para sa akin. I have run through the whole 25 years of my "very dramatic" life na hindi ganoon karumaldumal dahil na nga sa kanya. And now, my major issue is no only just starting alone with my own feet but continuing life as it is. Para bang lahat ng gagawin ko ngayon pag-iisipan na ng maigi, wala ng hesitations at mga buts...dapat sure na palagian. Para tuloy ako ngayong isang teenager na wala pang kamuwang-muwang. Iyon ang pakiramdam. I thought I was human before but surprisingly, I am still in the process to become one. Pero kaya yan, I have the "little miss sunshine" with me now. Hindi na ako "surreal-surrealan (emo sa mga kabataan ngayon)" gaya ng dati. I would have to say, I am happy and surviving.

Then here is my Tita. Talagang bunso eh. Ala na akong magagawa roon. Hindi lang siya talaga ang tipo ng tao na katulad ko o namin sa pamilya. Siya talaga ang flower among the thorns ika nga. Kaya ganoon na lang noon ang pangangaral ni lulah sa kanya noong buhay pa ito eh. Halos araw-araw iyon ang maririnig mo patungkol kay tita. Actually, ngayon ko na nakikita na TAMA lahat ng sinasabi ni lulah. Kasi noon, medyo naawa na ako 'tas sinasabi ko na kay lulah na 'wag naman masyadong kagalitan but--mother knows best! At walang mali sa mga sinabi niya. Tita is a very good follower. Kaya nga kami nag-aaway niyan dati kasi I had been a good leader to the family. hihihi But going back to the issue, may mga kinakaharap din siya na malaki ang epekto sa buhay niya (at sa amin na rin, bilang magkakapamilya) dahil wala na rin si lulah. She really couldn't make decisions, she takes everything too easy and thinks still like a person 10 years younger than her current age! Natanggap ko na ang katotohanang ako na ang susunod na maglilitanya for her but still its hard. She really has to learn it the hard way. Halos lahat rin ng mga bagay na sa buhay niya hindi pa naayos ni lulah eh 'ala siyang choice kundi siya mismo ang mag-ayos...hard but unavoidable for her.

I know naman na in the end, everything will AGAIN be in their proper places. We have to face the new tomorrow by adjusting to what is in the present. That is how our life is now. Isa lang naman ang dapat na tandaan sa mga pangyayaring ito...we have to live up with the legacy of what has lulah left for us, for the rest of our clan, for the whole of Marikina and of the world we know.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

"Taping Blues"



I am keeping myself awake. It's been 12 hours of a long taping day. I have 15 sequences in total, all compressed in a 2 day-shoot! I have come to realize then that I am back to a world which once I left behind and concentrated on the other field (advertising & theater). Now that I am back, I saw everything again in a full circle: the people, the surroundings and all that completes the so-called world of show business. Recurring emotions of fun, excitement, irritation, exhaustion are again present and set for the day which seem a lifetime! :-)

I have also come to realize that this is not a job but merely one of my moonlight activities as an artist who wants to grow and try various endeavors to grow. Thank God, I did it again to understand better.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Today... First day of "the New"


At the start of the previously new chapter of life, I came to understand the meaning of being "blessed for more." Yes, it started with new commitments that is on the verge of being positive in effect and later more opportunities which lingers to success and triumph as I embrace my life now. Taking them one day at a time becomes the main rule and again...its worth it to live with this single ruling. I have no regrets whatsoever, always on the mood for good vibes and objectives that are not too far-fetched. As in simpler words...sakto lang!

Ang "sakto lang" means not too much in a hurry, not time cramming and not physical exhaustion. Though still not being complacent. i am still me. The very keen and meticulous me. Ever logical in everything I do but this time, a person who breaths and takes things surely. One negative instance, shrug it off and then concentrate to the next. Keeping the wrong or mistakes at your back but never looking back. Besides, what can you do? It's been done already. I am now much more sure of what I say and do.

I am simply happy now. Lab lab to all!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

What a new chapter brings...


Since my Lola's death, I have never observed a really quite and personal mourn for her. I think this is what is lacking for the past days as I undergo a major change in my life now. The depression keeps on coming back as I linger with every challenges that a day brings. It is a new chapter, i know. Though acceptance seems so hard to understand. Every minute I look at her pictures in our self-made alter specially dedicated to her, it just makes me realize I am now old and independent. Alone yet still locked with bigger responsibility for my family. I have my aunt who's now 100% depending on me, my mother who embarks in my life more closely than ever, my father who is insistent in reminding me every task which I have to do (this include a theoretical family of my own, of course) and the whole idea that what ever Lola left is now in my hands. I now pity Prince Charles when the Queen Mother dies too.

But that is my life now, I guess. Taking things one day at a time. Maybe instead of looking at time as an evil antagonist who paves my way in success, I will see him as a companion who just weighs my actions all in the right path at the right moment. If I don't do this...I will end up being a mess and seeing my self a helpless being incapable of happiness. For along time now, happiness for me looks as if intangible. But who says you can't reach it? Years may have passed by for this process of reaching but it's never too late, I hope.

Love is reachable. Yes, my almost successful love story with cam is now in those previous chapters then again, knowing I still have that little pumping heart in me reminds me that I can still give love and be loved. Been screwed up with different men as of the moment out my being hopeless romantic. And at the end of the day, I just still crawl in bed feeling the coldness of being alone. Not any of them really gave what love could give and say what love could feel. Even with the man whom I thought is almost perfect for the position (but just a trivia, he isn't because of the complicated family thing!) Not only do I feel I'm a broker but also a crasher...then I told myself, where is that sweet Paul who just turned every man's interest just by being you?

Being an Artist is reachable. I still believe that I am one. But because of almost not resting and giving myself a break and doing artistic endeavors, I saw myself preposterous and ignorant at this. Whew! a state which I did not foresee while doing too much of corporate gigs and advertising ventures. Many would say I did not came this way but I feel it. The devotion and passion is there then again, I am torn between earning and doing what I love to do...may be all struggling artists have this feeling too. I am not alone! I told then myself, where is that director and actor who would do everything just to do a sensible performance on stage?

A career is reachable. I may be down right now because of recent outcomes from work and keeps on reflecting why everyone still thinks I am still a newbie in the field, but proving I guess is still the best action for this. No matter how tiring it could get. Besides, tiring for me is like a text away from ordering a hot cup of mocha from my fave coffee shops in the metro. The joke maybe when I reach 40, everybody would take me seriously is now an objective not a half-meant. So what to ask in this portion is where is the Paul who takes every work as his most momentous course in life as a professional?

A good life is reachable. Now this part is the hardest. It entails many factors like lifestyle, decisions, conscientiousness and every thing else that could affect this reaching point. If I don't start now, when will I, right? This life that I am aiming ladies and gentlemen is not a of the homonym of reach but instead a more applicable one suited for a bachelor like me. Just what I said, taking things one day at a time is never harmful.

I'll begin with my room and its interiors and the rest will follow. harhar! ;-)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

ANG KAAWAY NI LULAH (noong siya'y buhay pa)


Natapos na ang malamlam na pagdaong. Salamat sa Bathala't naging maaya ang marubdob na pagkahol ng sakit mula sa kanya. Datapwat ang bala ng pagsasalinsin ay naririyan at nanatiling nakaumang. Kung maari lamang itong tablahan, noon paman siguro'y ginawa ko na. Nuong una, nalimutan na nito ngunit bakit ngayo'y naalala pa niya? Naalala pa niyang hindi pa sapat ang ibinigay niyang sakit sa naturang ina? Nakaririmarim siya! Kung siya lamang ay nahahawakan, dinakma ko na siya; kung siya lamang ay nakakausap, minura ko na siya; kung siya lamang ay diyos...mag-aalay ako at dadalanging huwag muna. Subalit lunan niya'y walang humpay na kabuktutan sa buhay.

Nilikha siya upang ang kakintalan ay makita at labanan nang kaagapan. Itinatanong ko tuloy kung "siya ba ay masaya sa ginagawa niya?" "Mas malaya ba ang kanyang paghinga kung pumuputol siya ng hininga ng iba?" "Bakit pa ba siya nabuhay kung tungkulin niya ay pumatay?" Maaring napakatayog ng pala-isipan at mga katanungan ukol sa kanya. Ngunit bilang isang nilalang na aamining makamundo kung minsan, karapatan ko ang makaalam. Walang kawala lahat nang matipuhan niya! Marahil ultimo kulisap, walang magagawa kung siya'y dumapo na. Napakabarubal niya! Makasarili't mapanghangad. Ang mga taong may malalim na ugnayan sa demonyo, ayaw ba niyang kitilin? Sila itong nararapat patawan at magsilbing pinaka-eksaktong biktima para sa kanya. Tulad na lamang ng mga makasariling kadugo na walang ibang hinangad kundi ang makita kang nakalugmok at di titigil hangga't hindi nangyayari ang gayon...sila ang dapat MAMATAY! Ubusan sila ng hininga at huwag nang maalala pa!!!

Nasasapuso ko rin ang masamang pagtatanim subalit tao lamang ako at bawat taong may malayang paghinga, karapatan ko ang magsambulat. Siguro hindi ako masasagot sa ngayon nitong matinding kaaway pero sa bawat pagtakbo ng oras, nagiging ginto ang nasa paligid dahil sa walang katiyakang paghupa ng kinang nito. Tama ang isang kaibigan nabatid ko...kumatok na muli sa Panginoon upang kamustahin ang katotohananng pinanghahawakan ko noon, ngayon at sa darating pa. Sana nga lamang ay mabigyan Niya ako ng sagot bukod sa mga ibinulalas niya na pinanghahawakan ko sa ngayon.