Unang Yugto sa Kasiyahan

Siguro nga ay kailangan ko na itong harapin. Para sa ikakapanatag ng aking kalooban at isipan...para sa ikatatahimik at ikagagaan ng sarili ko at para makahanap ng kasagutan sa lahat ng aking hinuha.  sa loob ng napakaraming taon na pilit kong iwinawaglit at hindi pinagtutuunan nang pansin ang isyung ito ng buhay ko. Kailangan ito upang ako ay tuluyang mabuo.

Mula noong ako ay bata pa, hanggang sa namulat sa katotohanan ng buhay, hindi ako nagtanong o nag-usisa; bagkus ako ay nanatiling tahimik at sumunod lang sa agos--saan man ito patungo o kung anuman ang kahihinatnan.  Pero narito na ako ngayon at dama na ang pagiging handa...ngunit puno ng kaba sa kung ano ang bubuyangyang sa akin.

Nahihirapan akong isiping ang lahat ng kanyang sinasabi at ipinapadama sa akin ay katotohanan dahil sa ito ang hudtat na siya ay kailangan ng agarang tulong.  Pero ayoko naman ding ipanalanging hindi totoo dahil ako ay masasaktan--sa lahat ng kanyang pagsisinungaling at maliang pamumutawi ng mga kwentong gusto niyang paniwalaan ko...dito sa puntong ako kinakabahan. At natatakot.  Sa dami ng mga nailathala na ng isip ko mula noong ako ay bata pa, hanggang sa ngayong ako ay muling nagiging makata, ang mga tanong sa lahat ng kanyang ibinigay sa akin ay walang sagot. Ngayon na lamang na gusto na ng isip at puso ko ang katotohanan.  Marahil ay iniadya na rin ng pagkakataon na ito ay aking gawin nang sa gayon ay mabigyan ako ng kapanatagan at pilitin kong maging buong mulinang aking pagkatao...gaano man kasakit o kasaya ang magiging kahihinatnan.

Mahirap ang ganitong sitwasyon lalu na't nakakasalamuha ko ang mga taong kagaya rin naman namin ngunit sila ay kakaiba pa rin.  Kaiba sa akin sa kadahilanang sila ay hirap ngunit buo; nagaalitan ngunit magkasama.  Ako, ngayon pa lang...sana.

Hindi ko maiwasang maalala pa rin ang lulah..nang dahil sa kanya ay ako ay umabot sa pubtong ito kung saan ay kaya ko na ang harapin ang puntong ito ng buhay ko na ako ay matatag (o pilit na nagiging matatag). At alam ko ring gagabayan niya ako sa gagawin kong ito.  Naniniwala ako na itong paglalakbay na ito ang magbubukas ng daan sa akin para makita ang katahimikan, kasagutan at kapayapaan sa puso ko...para matutunan ko at tunay na maramdaman ang kasiyahan--ang kasiyahang may kapayapaan...

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REFILL

There it is. For years of nothing exploring and shouting out all of my mind-bugging creations inside my head, I was back to my uncontrollable outburst of emotions...particularly anger management! It has paved its way through a very simple, "you could have just let it pass" scenario...but I wasn't able to help the feeling and there, it bursted out. Poor guard (hays...) Right at this moment my heart is still pounding like crazy, as if I have hypertension (which I hope I don't have). Because of this, I reorganized myself and here I am, finding myself back into typing and just simply filling out this space box with thoughts wrapped with emotions from my inner most heart. Yeah, yeah, I get it... I have to write. I think twitter and Facebook didn't help me much just maybe because of the given fact that whatever you will say will be limited to like 140 characters per expression of what you truly feel. Unlike a note or a blog which you can speak your heart out as until you had enough. I think this will always be a part of me. To keep me sane; to keep me from the reality and to breathe close enough as normal humans do. I have to write. One good reason mainly is because I was part of the alliance to "transcendence artists" who creates out of his emotions first before thinking logically. We love this because of the unlimited output you can share with the world or even just to yourself. One may think that people like me are irrational but being as such molds the art in what we believe is creation. Without any precautions and fear. Our best friend is hope--that our creations will be tangible enough for us to clearly see it and judged ourselves if we have come across to at least it's nearest outcome. Being hard in one's self? I think that is beauty. Basing from my current stats now, I can say that the pumping of the ventricles in my heart is slowly going to normal. Same reason as I have stated earlier, because I chose to write (or better say I chose to write again). Not for anybody, not for any award-giving body but for myself and nothing else. As I yawn, that signals I can rest in a bit and look forward to upcoming space boxes that I have to fill in, no matter what item I put in it.